It had been a tremendous grey week for me since i dont know when. Ive been thinking a lot, and feeling really crestfallen when i realised how much people around me have changed into.
Its pretty depressing and disappointing when people around me who used to care so much for me start to change to the extent whereby they no longer bother about my existence. It sure dampened my mood greatly. Especially when my friends around start to get attached, im drifting further and further apart from them, and i dont like it at all.
I mean, why cant things be the same before one get attached and after? Or why cant a guy and a girl be just normal close friends and their significant other feel more positive about it? I just dont get it.
Or should i just say that ive been too selfish and i just want the best of all things. It might be due to the fact that i havent been in a relationship for such a long time, it was almost impossible for me to put myself in somebody's else shoes, to feel that it is necessary to step aside and let the couple spend every minute of their time together, while i, continue to lead a loner's life.
I would have to agree that yes, i do have a hell lot more guy friends than girls. And it is also a matter of fact that close friends around me are mostly from the opposite gender. But in my point of view, who cares what gender my close friends belong to, i treat em all the same - a really close friend.
People said that a guy and a girl can never remain to just being great pals. But i gotta disagree with that, because throughout all these years, ive made a lot of close friends who are males, and there wasnt any spark or chemistry that would pull or bring us to a higher status than great pals.
Like for example, Kenny. My great brother whom ive known for 5 years. We caught countless movies together, met up for dinner together, go on a shopping spree and even spent 2 valentine's day together, just the two of us. And there isnt any sparks between us. Neither do i see any reasons why his ex girlfriend would loathe me so much.
Or Gabriel for instance. My neighbour i knew since i moved over to my current residence. A great friend who had always been there when i needed him. Meeting up at the void deck to chill, smoke and just chitchat, updating about each other's life, or to study or go for supper. He's the one who knows my darkest secret, a friend i always trusted and could rely on. But it isnt really the case now because his girlfriend, loathe me too. But no, no sparks between us either.
And Wayne. A friend that i would talk to when i have my ups and downs. Going for supper everytime we're hungry, meeting up at HongKong Cafe just to chill, relax and update about each other's life. Helping and giving ideas about relationship problems, being there for each other. Still no, no sparks for each other too.
The worst of all was Jeffrey. I only met him once 2 Christmas ago, just to exchange a little X'mas gift we promised each other. He was with his ex girlfriend then, and ironically, she hates me too! I seriously have no idea what was the reason behind it, because i wasnt even as close to him than any of my other guy friends.
And i too, have known Hengkai for 5 years. Studying for O levels together, always hanging out with that group of icytongers since i was 14. Now, we're in the same course so naturally we sit beside each other in every single lectures, study together during every single tests or examinations, and of cos, there wasnt any sparks between us, because we both know we are just good friends!
So why cant my other close guy friends' girlfriends understand that there would be no possiblity that i would by any chance fall for them because we're purely friends. Period. If by any chance i would fall for any of my close guy friends, i would have fell in love with them a long time ago since ive already knew them for so many years!
So you mean i gotta start leaving my close guy friends once they get attached? Then wouldnt that leave me with minimal friends already? I mean, what's the big fuss over a girl who just happens to be a close friend of your boyfriend?
If i were to have a boyfriend, im sure i wouldnt restrict him to hang out with his close girl friends whom he had known for a good few years. Because there should be mutual trust and confidence in each other. No?
And then i start pondering, are my opinions about such stuffs too biased? I should have put myself into their girlfriend's shoes and feel that it is not right to be too close to their rightful possession.
But sorry, i would have to say that that are bullshits.
I am not cheap, not a slut, nor a bitch who wanna be a third party in anyone's relationship. I am just myself, strongly holding on to a friendship that i feel is important to me, because i treat friendships as a very serious matter.
And i can also predict that many others, friends or foes who chanced upon this entry, would start bad-mouthing, cursing and swearing at me.
Am i wrong to say what ive mentioned above? Is my opinion of friends vs relationship wrong?
Or maybe, i am really wrong.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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